Why I don't care

Assalammualaikum and may you be bless with the life Allah gave :)


Hye, do you know my name? What kind of things I love and always do? Have ever see me crying? Do you think that I'm the quietest person in the class? Yeah, I guess not everyone knows me in the reality. So I want to share some part of me that I tend to have. It was sometimes ANNOYING and sometimes were GOOD. But, you really need to have it in CERTAIN situation ONLY!



The behaviour was 'I DON'T CARE' attitude *and it's not only a saying. I really don't care.
Sometimes when I reflect myself in the mirror, I see this girl growing up being a women and was just fine to smile and keep smiling over happenings that occur in life.It was weird. How could she not feel miserable when people look down on her? Why does she ignore people when they were at the deep of problem? How could she tend to just come by to a person who had done crying rather than stopping her from making scenes before that? When could she be TRULY mad or angry over someone else and scream out loud how she hate that someone? Why sometimes she kept herself alone or prefer sitting by herself doing her stuff rather than talking or walking around? Sometimes, she find it easier and at ease when she could walk alone rather than staying in big group(sometimes ONLY). And I don't know what kind of weird thing this girl would rather do any more. It's actually not weird but sometimes happen to be like a loner. She's alone? No. But she tend to do anything her own way, her own style and her own SELF.

WHY?


Actually I got TOO many reasons why I love to stay out from people. It actually gave me the feeling of FREEDOM and PEACE. Everyone was and always is great and wonderful and kind and lovely. I adore one's self that can bear my attitude. You are one in the million, friend. Thanks. A LOT!
When I say, you would go first, I'll catch up later is because.....
 -I have problem.
 -I am stress with something.
 -My thought flies back home
 -I want to watch how nature had changed my day (the cloud, the colours of the day,the human being)
 -I want to cry alone for a moment.
 -I might be thinking of the future ahead me.
 -I want my friends to get their own time without me.


REAL REASON was,
I do not want to hurt anyone. Lesson in life, when you put hopes and high expectation and when you can't reach it. You might fall hard. It hurt DEEP inside and to stand, you can barely stand straight and you might kiss the floor a few more times. To make it simple, I'll be the great friend who you can come by any time, leave memories for me to bare and leave.. I don't mind. Let's always make peace and pray to Allah and not depending on such hope created by human imagination. I can't grab any chance of being anyone's best, close friend because no one would stay forever with one's. There is some, but NOT everyone. Our heart keep on changing by times. I could be the world greatest person you ever met. And I could also be the world cruellest person on Earth that ever exist. Kun Fa Ya Kun.

It's all depends on how deep our love to one's based on Allah wills. As long we are sincere in making friends, InsyAllah. I do LOVE my friends who came by to my life. It was the most biggest GIFT Allah had ever gave me. Alhamdulillah.

The Prophet (SAW) said
'The right of a Muslim upon a Muslim are six' It was asked what are they? He replied '
When you meet him, salute him
when he calls you, respond to him
When he seeks advice , give him advice
When he sneezes and praises Allah, respond to him
When he falls ill, visit him
When he dies, follow him (the funeral bier)' (Muslim)

With all my love,
Wassalam.

Let's see the world in others perspective.

Assalamualaikum,
Today is Thursday, 14th November 2013. Alhamdulillah.
Take a deep breath.
Let's widened our view of making perception.
Open our eyes bigger than you could even visualize
Stop the very second of time and take a look at what is the topic about.


How am I supposed to begin?
The thought of writing about this topic is when my friend told me a story about our old friend that had changed 360 degree out of this world. It wasn't a happy story actually but,. Yeah, people changed. She was a great friend. She could make your day with her laugh, her kindness and her stupid act. She's a superb cool friend too. Her behaviour, her talking and her smile is the same, but not the way she dress up nowadays. Her style were TOO UPDATED. She changed a lot tracking up the style that came from artist and internet. I knew that she's a pretty lady in and out. But, that was not the right way of dressing up. It was a sudden changed when the last time I saw her wearing a proper jeans and a shirt was last two years and NOW she's preferring shorts and tank top.
WHY?

People grew up.

Factors that I see as a friend that had been long lost not contacting was because of internet and surrounding. Her mother does not stop her from dyeing her hair or polishing her nails. So, what can her friends say to stop her, right? Studying in a girls' school and surrounded with non-muslim, the urge for you to be one of them were huge. They have this freedom to wear anything and dolled up with everything. Who would judge? When you get involved in the circle of non-muslim and wear something like them, people won't even know you're a muslim. Moreover, teachers or neighbours in Penang aren't like a busybody people in 'kampung'. Whatever you do, as long as it does not disturb one's life, you may go on with it. Can you see the thinking? Yes, that was a FACT, REALITY of today!

A second story was about my friends I knew since kindergarden.
This girl was just normal and still am normal.Maybe lack of some attitude and behaviour. I knew her as a shy girl but she talk a lot in her circle of friend. She does not like to hangout or stay off home if I ask her out during primary studies. So, we aren't close that time. Unfortunately, she went to boarding school and comes home sometimes, she was still the same. Not offending her grandmother's word or anything. But what happen to me, I was searching for freedom and play a lot. I don't give a damn about advices and he mother once had not let her befriend with me. But NOW,things changed upside down. She won't listen. She flirt with boys. She doesn't care about her harsh words and how she tend be having direct skin contact with guys. It's like shaking hand with your puppy-brother as result of respecting?
WHY?
She turned up to be working after PMR because life is not standing on her side. She need money to ease up some burden of her grandparents. So, she work all the sweat for months and still working now on. Who to blame? Everything was not really her fault. We can't judge her parents. She live with her grandparents after both of her parent divorced and her mother remarried. She work to pay for school bills and support her sister too at first but as she receive money resultants of her hard work and having a lot of friends that teaches her some way of FREEDOM. She CHANGED! She start making boyfriends. Having essential relationship that made her fantasize that world are just in the small scope of friends around her. Never care hows home, losing respect to elders. She dragged herself into someone else that I knew she had never dream of being one. I sympathize her, I knew she had chose a wrong path. But, it's  never too late to change. InsyAllah.

The last story was deep.

Do you even know how to hold a baby?

About a mother of my age, 16. I was her close friend when we were 12 years old. We hangout, we run off our house and a lot more stupid stuff we had done together. She is pretty in her own. Her smile does melt some heart of men and her word were as sharp as a sword. She a reliable friend. She would help me and we took care of one another. I changed school and get transferred. She was left behind and after few years(this year) I saw her. She was holding a cute baby. I wonder why did she hold that baby and was working at the Bazaar Ramadhan with a guy? And, it was HER BABY and her HUSBAND was beside her. I could feel that my heart had fall off the place. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was terrible feeling. My adrenaline flows fast in my body and had shaken my knees off. Memories flashes over few years ago where we laugh and giggle about the unseen future.
WHY?
I'm speechless and clueless too. Her husband is a tempered man. I had even heard that she had left home a few times to go on socialize with friends. Her baby? Left behind to no one at home. Then, her mother help to take good care of the baby and my friend stays at her parents house leaving her husband. It is complicated just writing it. So, how could that really happen was because of the lacks of parental teaches. Her parents aren't strict at all. They were like toys(people told me that). I was shocked to just heard it but seeing my friend like that. I do believe some part of the story. The people around the house had try to give advices, but it end up miserably. No one gets the chance to ever let them talk till the end. It always get a full stop within a second after talking. One thing for sure, I just wish that her baby would grow well healthily and change the life of 'THE' family. The baby could learn from surrounding. May Allah lead some light to the baby and the mother. Amin.

Concluded by the stories,



Let's take a lesson.
Wassalam

I do cry.

Assalamualalaikum.
This post are likely related to the last post.
Cry? It happened, I cry really hard after posting the so-malay post few days ago. My typical reason of crying was because I felt stupid. I mean, I should right?  I knew that loving someone are feelings that you can't avoid.You can't also pretend to hate it. But it will be a wasted feeling if you were drag by it. Because you need to remember one thing.

THISSSSS!

Why do I cry?
Do you think I cry because I don't want to forget that someone? No. That's not the reason. I cry because I feel that all this time I've been wasting my time thinking of things I shouldn't even give a thought about. So, that was my lesson and I would try to stay strong and not repeating it. InsyAllah. Some people might not understand what I truly wants to do with the feeling. Actually, it's LETTING GO the FEELING. It means, I would try to ignore the feels. I would kept myself out of the business with that someone. Never think of having any 'feel' towards such kind relationship. Embrace myself as an independent women. Support my friend to ignore any of those feelings too. And, yes, I knew that its not wrong to have that feelings. To let it immersed in your heart. To treat that someone with all kinds that world could give. As long as you know the limit and remain in the straight road to the right path, right way.

BUT,
To my thinking, I don't think that loving someone that is not confirmed yours are great its SUPERB wasted. Seriously, to give world to someone?? Have you ever did that to your friend? Never, right? So why give love to an unsure?

The one thing I am scared of is,

if I actually love or like someone based on what I see and what Satan had decorated for me. The bloom in my heart were blooming strangely and made me fly high. I mean, have you ever felt it with your creator? No, right? So, that love seems wronged to me. It was too strange and I'm afraid I could simply forgot how the love I've been searching to Allah, fade. I didn't and never even want to find that kind of love now, but it simply happen to turn up at this young age of mine. I think Allah is testing me. So, I need a solution. And I found it on my last blog. Alhamdulilah :)


Advice and reminder,
 - Let's not play with fire. It's between the you who burnt or the fire gets bigger.
 - Love our creator first because His the great planner
 - Never get scared of letting go. I've try it and it is a big relieve. Alhamdulillah
 - Think about our parents. Do they like it?
  - Believe in faith. If he is for, he'll be yours. Don't have high hopes on.
 I'm not a love motivator, I, myself are in conflict. I'll share more in next post. InsyAllah.

"And seek you help (from Allah) through patience and prayer; and most surely it is a hard thing, save upon the humble," Al-Baqarah: 45

Wassalam

Seseorang. (The only post in malay ^^)

Assalamualaikum,
Hai, salam sejahtera wahai sang pujangga dan sang dara jelita. :)
Ini post pertama saya berbahasa ibunda. Bahasa Melayu kita.
Alhamdulillah, ilham dari Allah untuk saya mencoret mengenai seseorang.
Ini coretan hati yang mendalam. Cerita tanpa penghujung. Hanya semata-mata cerita yang menantikan satu titik noktah yang belum pasti *iniayatNOVEL ;)

Seseorang ini aku kenali tidak lama,
Berbulan? Mungkin. Tapi, apakah cerita kami? Hanya kawan., itu sahaja. Alhamdulillah aku bukan wanita yang mudah tertawan. Walau hati berkocak kuat, walau jantung berdebar kencang. Aku cuma manusia biasa yang dipaksa untuk menahan rasa. Mudah aku simpulkan, aku tidak mudah suka. Aku bukan sebarangan wanita yang mudah sahaja bertakhta di mana2 sudut hati sesiapa. Mengenali siapa sebenarnya aku bukan mudah. Kerana isi hati aku ini tersimpan dalam di dalam lubuknya. Hanya orang yang sabar dan faham sahaja yang mengerti apa yg diperkata.


Cerita tentang seseorang bermula,
Aku suka melihat bibir itu tersenyum. Gelak ketawa yang kudengar. Dia baik. Malah bukan sekadar itu sahaja, terlampau lurus untuk mengerti apa itu harapan dan impian. Aku tidak marah. Tidak juga mahu mempertikai. Hidup kita tidak sama. Antara aku dengan dia. Dia mula mengenali aku dengan membenci. Aku tidak sayu, kerana aku tahu orang mengenali aku dengan ketidakpuasaan hati dahulu. Aku sedar siapa aku. Hanya seorang hamba yang diberi nyawa untuk meletakkan senyuman di setiap muka. Itu salah satu matlamat hidup aku kerana aku bukanlah sesiapa.


Masa berlalu,
Pepatah melayu ada berkata,

Aku sedar kami semakin mesra dan mula bertegur sapa. Aku sering berdoa. Andailah dia tidak memudaratkanaku biarlah kami berkawan begitu. Maka kami bersahabat sehingga kini. Aku sering berdebar. Takut andai apa yang terrencana telah direncana lebih hebat oleh Allah. Aku buntu dalam setiap laku. Aku malu andai aku yang mengharap. Aku takut andai prinsip aku hilang kerana SESEORANG itu. Aku pernah jatuh akibat kegoyahan ini dan aku tak mahu ia terjadi lagi. Apabila aku lihat dia memberi tanda-tanda harapan, aku cuba mengingati siapa diri aku ini.


Sebenarnya,
Aku sedar siapa aku. Aku sedar aku tidak mungkin mampu menggapai seseorang itu. Tidak mungkin mampu aku menghancurkan hati seseorang yang lain atas ego aku. Aku faham diri ini hanyalah mengejar sesuatu yang tidak pasti. Aku sepatutnya mengharap sesuatu yang lebih baik dan meninggal perkara yang sia-sia. Tapi, aku tidak pasti bagaimana untuk lari. permasalahan ini bukan dari aku sendiri, ia penuh dengan kompilasi cerita pelbagai pihak yang merumitkan.
Mungkin aku wajar mengundur diri?
Berterus terang agar hati ini tidak lagi rasa dinodai?
Atau berdiam menyeksa mata hati?

AKU AKAN LEPASKAN DIA PERGI.
Itu satu janji. Bantu aku untuk menepati :')

Wassalam.

Friends.

Assalamualaikum,

Alhamdulillah, I am typing through today to tell the world and to brag around about my awesome super duper friendship I've been through.
I am not even going to talk about A FRIEND or any particular person.
Just an experienced and 'friendship.

Why suddenly I want to talk about this? Hmm,
Because. My life were surrounded by guys and girls from everywhere; every corner of this Earth I've experienced seeing a friend of mine who life a miserable life and other friend who lead this awesome incredible lifestyle. You can't blame anyone why this kind of living occurs. I mean, it's all just a picture of how unfair the world is towards us :)

So, speaking of how unfair and cruel this world is. I have my own hmmm, okay life. maybe? Whatever and however it was, I am satisfied and happy with it. Alhamdulillah, I grew maturedly with all the consequences and difficulties. Without that bitter, sad experienced. I won't even grow or learn. For some people who might experienced the bitterest moment ever and regret it. You should put a believe that Allah make it happen because He knows you could face it.
And know this one thing that, THAT bitter moment made you THINK and TAKE a step forward :)

So,an experienced of mine having some spoilt friend,
 some do succeed and facing this phase of great life. My long lost best friend which are pretty much I knew from primary, she... grew up well i guess. Although she's not transforming 360 degree towards her old life. I'm proud that she manage to still study and help her parents. Alhamdulillah. Let us pray for her to be a successor one day. Amin.

Unfortunately, I have this one friend from kindergarden.
She's knowingly innocent since I'm her frined for too long. But, despite of surrounding and thinking. She changed. A LOT! Too drastic and unfavorable :'/ I's speechless when we meet. I rather look at her from far. I'm not ashamed. It's her. She's kind of acting weird with the rempit out of universe style. Itry not to blame her. But, who to blame? Her parents work all day and night to support her studies, yeah might be lack of family love. Her surrounding? I don't even dare to say anything. Guys and girls having this unlimited moments together freely anywhere while people only dare to stare and no one take the chance to stop the stupid scenes. Yes, the FREEDOM could be blame. but who used it inappropriately?  *bittersmile*

There is another friendship experience. Few friends that had turn my life upside round down ;)

So, attending MRSM Baling made me friends with people with different background. Awesome! At first, I thought my life staying at a terrace house or flat house is normal. I mean,I see lots of my neighbours are evenly same. I still have clothes to wear, although some of them are cap ayam. I still smile, as I do not know that it was frankly not the standard of urban life style of other people. I start seeing branded anonymously things everywhere at school. But never knew them actually.I thought it only cost few ringgit and my parent could effort it too, but I laughed at myself later after seeing the price of hundred of ringgit it costs. My parents aren't working as any great dealer in the world, but they gave me so much that I grew up TOO WELL now.  Then, being mrsm students for years, I realize one thing. World always have reasons to let you sit on top or below or in between both. I am not sure which one am I, but I've seen all. And that's enough to made me determined to step forward fora better life for both my parents and my future life. InsyAllah.

A group of friends that I'm in love with and teaches me alot of lesson :)

To all friendship that occur,
 -we fight
 -we smile
 -we laugh
 -we joke around
 -we stand for each other
 -we learn about one another
 -we cry and sacrifice
 -we listen and advise
WE LOVE BECAUSE OF ALLAH <3

May Allah bless our journey of live and let the love glows well with our heart attached to one another caring for each other :*
Wassalam.

Inspired.

Assalamualaikum to all muslim.
Inspired?
Yes. I'm thinking of writing over things that happen around me and inspired me?
So, that sounds right. I guess. InsyAllah.

1st thing.
Inspiration of changing identity.
Identity? Sounds hard isn' it.
I,myself struggle on the topic because it feels deep in the heart but not able to spill it off through words or sentences.
Identity describe personality. ( Tell me if i'm wrong)
Or it's the same thing. It's okay then.
So, I'm bringing the identity of being a muslim and a malay town women.
Staying in Penang, I faced a crisis at eleven I do want to wear stuff that's pretty and updated like my fellow friends. So, I never even had any thinking of wearing hijab when I was small because my surrounding keeps on bashing me towards it. As a small kid at age 11 I just on keep on showing off without any guilt.

When I grew older, I enter boarding school. Still the same. Wearing what I want and keep on doing what I would. Nothing change much. But, yeah. There's a realization over differences towards normal school and boarding school. The friends, the rules, the teachers and the way of thinking.
During my form 2 studies, I determined to changed. No more quarter pants and short sleeve. Take the advises of my aunts and uncles over their praises towards their daughters and me. Try on chilling with clothes that warm me up, cover me well :)

As I entered Form 3, I see A LOT of my friends are taking the phase of being true muslim by wearing hijab and covering aura h. I do not know how or when, but out of sudden I am wering hijab and covering. My father and mother was the great supporter. They were the happiest person. Alhamdulillah. I too, are happy for the first ever step I've made. Thanks to Allah that eventually open my heart. <3

So, this year 2014. I watch my surrounding. Staring at one's, judging them. Putting titles and smiling over goods and bads of the quality (I'm just imperfect miserable people that Allah gives a chance to live)
Later, I took a mirror and stared at my face. The image of mine. The silliest person ever exist in this world.A thought came by,
"How dare I judge a creation of Allah that's trying hard onto opening one's heart towards Him? The one that created each and everyone of you. Won't you be ashamed as if your words in the heart get spill out on judging day?"
Yes, shame. I think over the reason of my existance.

[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed – and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving. [Quran, 67:2]

I felt ridiculous. Why I never knew all such reasons. All such stories. Why do I know everything out of sudden at the age of 16? I am confused. This feeling is miserable.How to change? Can I possibly be one of those people that sacrifice for Islam? People that tend to learn more to gain more for the sake of afterlife. And I? what should my first step be?
*breathing in

I storm my head. Telling myself I should do something. I've took my 1st step. But I need to step more. improve more. Because Allah would like to see efforts while the challenging was still a lot more to be confront.
And the list are :-
 1. Being positive over thinking and judging.
 2. Say good stuff and praise the nature beauty of Allah beauty.
 3. Remain calm and scrabble words to gives the best answer.
 4.Put a happy smiley face upon others. :)
 5. Wearing loose cute big clothes on the body.
 6. Less talk. hear more. Laugh is a girls way of laughter.
and InsyAllah the list would go on through my phase of life. Amin.


Everything start within small stuff. But it end up big full of incredible meaning.
Meet again in next post. InsyAllah.
Wassalam.